This is the first post in the Journey to Truth series.
Recently, my husband told me that, after nearly two years, he still doesn’t understand why I left. Why I couldn’t stay long enough to really try. I could see his pain. Could feel it as though it was my own. And that’s when I knew. I finally knew the Why.
I left because I needed to save myself. Not from him. I needed to rescue myself from the person I had become. The girl who was still, after several decades on this planet, looking for someone to save her. And I couldn’t do it while I was living with someone who also needed saving.
We all have wounds. We learn how to “Be” in this world from our parents. And whether intentional or not, we somehow grow up and become them. I did. I became my mother. And in becoming her, I learned what it meant to be a woman in the world.
I learned that a woman’s job is to care for her family. To clean the house, prepare meals, to love her children and her husband unconditionally.
I learned that a woman’s role as wife means accepting unacceptable behavior from her husband. That a woman does not have a voice.
I learned that a woman does not deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. That she does not deserve to be cherished, adored, celebrated for her strength, her courage, her unwavering, unconditional love and support.
I learned that a woman keeps her mouth shut. Does not speak her truth. I learned that, no matter how perfect and beautiful you are simply because you exist, what you think and what you feel is of no consequence.
These are the wounds of our mothers.
And because I loved my mother more than I could ever express in words, I grew up to be her. Smart, beautiful, kind, and loving. But blind to her own worth.
And so, even after twenty years of marriage, I had to leave. Because, though he did not cause my wounds, he made them bleed a little more until finally, the bleeding would not stop. Could not stop until I was free. Free to face the truth…about who I had become. And, more importantly, about who I Am beyond the stories I’ve spent a lifetime telling myself.
Recommended Practice: Nervous System Reset
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