“Women know, absolutely know, when they have stayed overlong in the world. They know when they are overdue for home. Their bodies are in the here and now,
but their minds are far, far away. They are dying for new life.
They are panting for the sea. They will die if they don’t leave.” --Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run With the Wolves
This is the 11th post in the Journey to Truth Series.
March 11, 2024:
It is extraordinarily painful to want two opposing things simultaneously. I wanted us to work. And I wanted us to be happy. Him. Me. But as the days wore on, it became obvious that the two had become mutually exclusive. So it came down to this:
Stay. Or be happy.
June 25, 2021:
Before I go to bed, I ask for a sign. A vision or a dream, one that I actually remember, to give me some clarity about this restlessness, anger, that I am going through. For clarity on the status of my marriage.
Her reply is a dream in which I am at an event of some kind and I am talking with another man. And then someone comes to me, tells me that something is wrong with my husband.
I run to his side, find him on the ground with a paramedic working on him. Instinctively I know he is having a heart attack. I kneel, tell him I love him. He smiles tenderly, whispers, “It’s okay.”
I wake with a start, still feeling restless, and reach for the phone. Type in:
What does it mean if I dream that my husband is dying?
Here is what I find:
If you have a dream that your husband is dying, it could be because your subconscious is trying to prepare you for a break up.
It is rare for me to remember my dreams. But I remember this one. Remember that I had asked spirit for a sign about my marriage.
And She delivered.
I lie back in bed, shaken by the dream. Turning onto my side, I watch him sleep, listen to his breathing. And feel my heart break. Because I knew I had to leave.
I loved him. I knew that with certainty. But love was no longer enough.
I had to leave because I needed to save myself. I needed to rescue myself from the person I had become. The girl who was still, after six decades on this planet, looking for someone to save her. And I couldn’t do it while I was living with someone who also needed saving.
And I knew in my heart that this was the answer I’d been seeking.
I close my eyes and send up a prayer.
Divine Mother,
Please make be brave. Help me find the courage and the strength to finish gathering my bones, and do what I know is right. For both of us.
Love, Me
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